I do not wallow in the pity party often, but it has been (and pardon my language) a shit-tastic day. I am the stress-plosion time... you know, I seem pretty together until I am not. First, my new computer (that has already been repaired once within the first month of ownership) is back in the repair shop with a display problem. That being said, the tech and all the support staff were amazing, friendly, and helpful and they think that the problem was not fixed the first time (they replaced the wrong part) and have assured me that regardless, if it acts up again...they will replace the entire system. But of course... I got extremely upset because that is what I do when I let stress and frustration build up... I go bonkers at something completely meaningless...
First, I am about to start applying for PhD programs, as I've said before and it is just freaking me out... I feel at times I have an immense amount of pressure on me to move to the next step and I want to, but I always worry that I will not get in a program...my grades, my test scores, my writing samples... won't be good enough and then what? Seven years on two degrees for what? I do not think a job or a career should define a person, there are millions of people out there who do what they do to finance the joys of their lives and that is fine... but for a very long time I've dreamed of being a professor and it is something I truly want. I just chose a very small field with very few prospects right now and it bothers me.
Second, I am extremely agitated about the state of affairs in my community. We moved into our house in 2007 and the real estate collapse took a toll on the neighborhood, leaving quite a few houses empty (two uninhabited since we moved in). Although there were a few empty houses and such...we've had a relatively quiet go of it for six and a half years, but problems began about six months ago and they've done nothing but escalate. We've heard gunshots, witnessed attempted break-ins, and have grown quite accustomed to looking out the window and finding three to six police cars out in front of one house or another.... Earlier this week I had the awesome experience of hearing my dogs bark (I am so thankful for those pups now) and opening the back door to see a man attempting to break in the house beside mine. I do not feel comfortable, especially because I have a child to worry about and one who I would rather raise in a non-thunderdome like environment. Moving though...takes accomplishing the educational goals.
Third, there are days when I feel like I just do not have enough time for me. I have an amazing family, I have a positive educational environment, I like my job...but between those three things, there are moments that I just get lost in the shuffle and feel like some of the things I want/need just get thrown to the wayside (and this is mostly by yours truly). I feel guilty if I want to say... I need a moment... I need to do something for me and yet, because I don't and won't really ask for the help (I would rather people read my mind and do such) I get that run over, neglected, unimportant feeling that is pretty dreadful. I've just felt let down by a lot of things lately... people, projects, efforts... and realize that while I can put on a good show and act like I know what I need to do, I'm so overwhelmingly frustrated with the 10000000 things coming at me at once that an unsolicited hand of support would be nice every now and again. Sometimes the little red hen rings so true to me...
I feel bad, I loathe being negative and I hate self pity and just wallowing in having a crap day and whining about it... but here it is. Crap day, annoyed about some things (still), and just over it.
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