being sick all the time gets old.

Thoughts

I wonder when older generations will realize that age doesn't always necessarily mean correct.

Things Will Be Better in the Morning

We say, when we have a bad day or are having a bad time... things will be better in the morning.  I think generally it means with some times, problems are not as bleak as they seem to be initially and perhaps in some cases that is true.
I am non-violet, passive, diplomatic.
I have studied countless wars while trying to obtain a history degree and each one of them seem like a band-aid on top of a problem, save one or two.  Modern War resembles that more and more so, whenever I hear about war, violence, the idea of going somewhere and risking our soldiers, I think back about how successful that may be, what are our goals, why are we doing it and what may be the outcome in the long run... and recently, the cons outweigh the pros by dozens and dozens.

I have heard, often, from people I esteem as highly intelligent, that sometimes you have to fight to get things done, but what does fight mean?  Does it mean lashing out in a bellicose manner with violence, or does it mean standing up for what you believe in at all costs.  Today, above all days, I think about the gift of passive, the gift of  non-violence, and the things that it has brought us.  Martin Luther King Jr. would not resort to violence, regardless of the outcome and he, along with many other brave men and women, changed our country.  If something like that, in the middle of the hate filled 1950s and 60s (racial wise), can work... I think there is a great hope for our country, whose population has proven that it can change if given enough chance to grow and those who fought the good fight didn't give up and remained steadfast, speaking the reason that penetrates the brain and changes the senses.

It is my hope today, in a very polarized country...
Things will be better in the morning.

WInter

I think there are moments when I would like winter.  I enjoy the snow and the look of the thing, but being here and having an inability to get about is troublesome.  That and the cold and moisture makes everything ache something terrible.  So, I am up at 5:31 AM sore as all get out wondering why on earth its icing outside.
no snow... ice and icky cold wet ice.
Just going to make crap out of my day.


I also hate sickness, illness, people in pain or hurting... especially those I care about.
ITs a horrible horrible thing and I wish that no one I loved ever had to ensure pain or illness.

Thoughts

I have often said that music to me is the closest to Modern Poetry I think I like... lyrical genius and all that jazz gets to me.
I can listen to a song sometimes and picture the story in my head, its fun.


My next venture into cooking will be a Chocolate Meringue Pie.  Today I made a home made chicken soup for stephen since he was sick.


1 large container chicken stock
8 cups of water
Juice of one lemon
2 celery stalks chopped
2 carrots chopped
1 onion chopped
2 garlic cloves chopped
2 tablespoons paprika
2 tablespoons black pepper
1 tablespoon salt
1 package of egg noodles
1 large chicken breast chopped into small pieces.
oregano, rosemary, thyme, parsley 


Combine all of these (save noodles) and cook for about an hour.  After an hour of cooking on medium, add in egg noodles and cook for another 10 - 12 minutes.  Serve with good Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches!

Irish Soda Bread

Stephen and I watched Julie and Julia tonight, which is a movie I absolutely adore...and had to force Stephen to watch.  I think he started to like it, though he will not admit it as he plays Assassin's Creed and protests to watch the random straight to DVD release with a half naked woman in the cover art.

2010

2010 has been an amazing and difficult year at the same time.  On the positive end... I have finished my required schooling for my 4 year History degree, I traveled to New York and Dublin, Ireland... two of the places I have always wanted to visit, and I spent some amazing time with my closest friends.  There were some hard patches, but nothing that couldn't be overcome and in the end, it was an amazing year, one of the best ever thanks to people like my wonderful husband Adam, without whom I don't know what I'd do.

I think I also learned a great deal about the nature of friendship.  Like many, for a long time I equated the success of friendship with the number of friends one had.  It seemed customary to belong to groups, be accepted and liked by a number of people...when, in the end I learned that groups are not what is important... its the loyalty and devotion of the friends you have that matters.  I may be able to count on one hand the number of true friends that I have... but in the end, I discovered this year that it is much more important that those few actually care about you, than have an enormous group of casual onlookers who in the end...won't be there.

The true friends are those who have seen you at your best and your very worst and still adore you for all of those things...
I may not have a gaggle of friends... but I have a handful of dear people near to me who would cut off their right arm if they thought it would help me and they mean more than anything to me because of it.

So,  in closing... this year has been one of great discovery.  I learned through isolation that I am lucky to have that handful and a loving family to go along with it.  We struggle so long trying to figure out who we are, or to become comfortable in our own skin... and then we fight tooth and nail to be accepted by a group, to feel like all that work we did panned out and honestly... its only those who love us for our successes and failings that count.

What is my wish for 2011... that those I love also find that out as well.

"Friendship is never established as an understood relation. It is a miracle which requires constant proofs. It is an exercise of the purest imagination and of the rarest faith."
-Thoreau

Thoughts on Thanksgiving

I am Thankful for my family.
I am Thankful for my husband.
I am Thankful for the few true friends I have.

Wanted to expand upon our confusions

Yet the screen in front of me is some jumbled  collection of words

and they reach out with brittle fingers and air and life sunk away 

There is a pain behind my head.  It unsettles me like the pain that perpetuates in an

ongoing rhythm to which I know I dare not want to hear.

I am terrified, stuck in this medicated state where the words I type are never clear

nor even visible to my eyes.

Yet... I want someone, somehow to understand when the cloud its and the level of disorientation  that champions my thoughts

 from that moment onward.

I wish so much to possess the ability in these last minutes of lucidity as my eyes start to battle with my body as things shut down so express my gratitude....and the necessity if your existence in my life.

My rock...

I cannot even see the words I am typing.  they saunter around my brain,dancing in silks and satins with oblong masked faces laughing as I wonder confused....wanting to reach you, wanting you to hold to me and make me feel save and wanted, even though you have pushed me away, into the disillusions shadows that are tearing my mind asunder.  

People make me so angry sometimes...