I am frustrated

I read an article on cnn.com today that makes a ton of sense to me.  


Here it is

I am frustrated by it as well, because I do vote and i do understand compromise and I do understand that this country was founded on compromise because unlike a good many of the tea party members, I have read...in great detail... the constitution.
I don't think it matters what political side you are on, but one of the basics of our society and always has been is to be an upstanding example to the rest of the world.  If we do not pay our debts, if we get downgraded in the world and thus impact an already strained global economy, we aren't leading by example...we are showing the rest of the world how downright immature our society has become over the last two decades.
It really bothers me that so many people are SO insistent upon choosing Republican or Democrat rather than sit down at a table like adults and do what is best for this country and its people.  The debt ceiling and the budget are TWO very separate things, and until some tea party blowhards who are not educated enough to hold the offices they do...made it an issue they could crusade about.... no one even cared about it.
Here are some facts - 
Bush Jr. raised the Debt ceiling 5 times.
who voted FOR it... Cantor, Boehner, and McConnell all did.  Here are the numbers:
June 2002 - 450 billion
May 2003 - 900 billion
Novemer 2004 - 800 billion
March 2006 - 781 Billion
September 2007 - 850 billion
Did you hear about it??? Was there a debate???  Was it even an issue??? NO.
Do  you want to know why??? Because its a formality that has been around for years and years and years.... Reagan did it 16 times!!!
By the time Bush had been in office equal to the amount of time Obama has been in office now, he had raised the ceiling...twice.  
If I were the president, and more worried about the state of my country than my re-election prospects... I would use the 14th amendment, raise the ceiling and tell people to shut up.  We CANNOT be hijacked by the tea party.  This is not a republican / democrat issue... the reputation and financial stability of our country is a US issue and should be dealt with that way.
Sitting on two sides of a room and drawing a line in the center and refusing to cross to do what is right has finally got on my last nerve.  I don't care who you voted for, I dont care what "team" you say you are on.... we are a country built on working together and no one wants to  because they are so polarized the refuse to look at someone else's pov.
I love this DONT raise revenue on people who make 350 thousand dollars a year.... DONT take away any benefit of my medicare ... DONT take any benefit away from my social security.....
CUT taxes on me even though they are the lowest ive paid EVER.....
but FIX THE BUDGET you idiots...why cant you do it?????
We can bail out banks, we can bail out auto industry, we can have wars in multiple places costing us billions of dollars and yet we cannot see clearly enough to know that we need to work together as a country to  keep it afloat.    The vanity and the inability to work together is just beyond my scope anymore.  Logic is simple, in order to fix things, in order to even make a country of our size work properly, we need revenue.  Revenue does not fall out of the sky.  Tea Party members signed a pledge saying they would NEVER raise taxes, regardless of the reason.  This was as idiotic as them pledging they would not compromise.  They pretend to be so utterly patriotic, but they are set on a destructive path to shut down the functionality of our entire country and that really really depresses me.
I will end with this...
I recently watched a documentary about people who became US citizens, all of them... from all over the world from Mexico, to Russia, to India, to Iraq....they all wanted to come here for the chance at a better life...for freedom, for an open place where you can say, live, think, and worship the way you want.  They read about a place where people worked together and they renounced their homelands to be here...the best place on earth.  Id like to keep it that way and becoming polarized teams of loyalty rather than working together to solve something... is not the way to go.

People

I would never say once that I am not a fickle person, I am.  I am very particular about a lot of things and thankfully I have a very easygoing husband who accepts all my idiosyncratic ways in stride.  I will also say this, I have friends who do the same.  My friend Kyle seems to know me pretty well... he understands my social yet unsociable side and accepts it and pretty much caters to it.  We hang out a little bit, once or twice a week...going to get coffee for about 45 minutes and heading home... and thats it and its great.
I have other friends who pretend to know me... and perhaps thats pushing it... but it feels that way.
its like...hey I am gonna offer you to go do something with the full understanding that you are going to say no and when you mention not doing anything, I am going to bring up the fact that I offered regardless if the circumstances would mean you would most likely say no.  I don't know if that is not knowing a person or knowing them so well that you consciously choose when to offer assistance with the knowledge that assistance will be turned down.
I say empty offers, I don't really know if thats what it is.


I am often extremely unsociable and sometimes that can go to the extreme when i am tired, when I have a lot on my mind...when I am stressed...
Which one of those am I right now... all of them...
I am worried about work aka pay
I am worried about my education as I am currently in the limbo between an undergrad degree and a masters program.
I am worried about what I want to do and what I physically can do... I have a disease and with each passing year I realize just how much say that disease has in my progression.
I am worried about other people's expectations....  I want people to acknowledge me for the person that I am...to recognize what talents I have and when they dont... I wont lie and pretend like ti doesn't bother me... I am not an ordinary typical person, I don't want to be treated as such.
Right now I am stressed out and I am more stressed by the fact that a close friend offered to help under the circumstances of knowing I wouldn't accept it and to act oblivious/ innocent in it...really bothers me because it only plays to the idea that if one would make such a mistake...that the person didn't know me well at all.
We want to be surrounded by people who not only care about us but care about the people we are and right now it feels like thats not the case with some of my friends.
It makes socialization a desolate idea.

Cooking Does Great Things

Dinner with Husband

One of the most amazing things that I have actually got from getting rheumatoid arthritis and being forced to work less has been the time I now have with Adam to cook.  We may have been cooks in another life or something of that nature, but I do know this.... it is so enjoyable to cook with him and I even though we walk away with burns and the kitchen looks like the battle of Ypres took place in it.... its all worth it (the hours of cleanup that is).

We spend extra money on insane ingredients and odd kitchen gadgets (we are currently using the heck out of our flavor shaker) and of course... cookbooks (right now we are doing recipes out of Ad Hoc At Home which is an amazing book by Thomas Keller.  

Tonight we had... peppercorn fillets with fresh creamed corn and an amazing horseradish and balsamic vinaigrette cream sauce with pineapple upside down cake.  While I wont be hungry for days.... I am stuffed, happy, and just in a good place.  
If you have free time with the one you life, try spending it in the kitchen together, its amazing fun.

A Chat with Dr. Misguided

    Working in retail allows you the opportunity to meet a plethora of people and while many of those people are awesome.... there are days you get who I will call Dr. Misguided.
Dr. Misguided is a regular customer at the store I work at (a bookstore) and I have already decided that bookstores attract the stranger side of our population.
Dr. Misguided is a very successful surgeon and he often comes in once every week or so and orders in upwards of three hundred dollars worth of books... one of his recent titles...
The Road to Serfdom
which...oh buddy...
Anyway, tonight he decided to quote german nazis and compare them to Obama... sigh.
And that was pretty much my night at work.
This guy tried to lecture me on now my generation shouldn't expect those who work for a living to take are of us.  
I'm sure thats easy for him to say when he leaves our store and goes home to his mansion and assumes that because I work at a bookstore I must be less of a human and less deserving of a stable life.  It was infuriating and it shows how out of touch the rich are from the rest of the population... 
I told him I had no problem paying taxes and that I had worked since I was sixteen...
Its hard to keep a sweet face when people are talking down to you because they think they are entitled by class to do so.

The Joy of Dogs

     I cannot say I have always been a dog person, not in the true definition of the word.  When I was growing up, we always had dogs...but I never truly bonded with one of them.  Now though, in my 34th year of life, I can honestly say I am a dog person who is married to a life long dog person and that fact has led to a great deal of happiness and joy that we may not have had otherwise.
  Let me explain a bit further...
In April of 2002, we went through one of the most difficult periods of our lives with the loss of our daughter Anna.  I still don't like talking about it, the subject still makes me uncomfortable to talk about and I still cannot manage to even go to the cemetery and see her grave, its just too hard.  I think that day I decided I would not have children, after going through that, I knew that I could not even attempt to go through it again and I don't want anyone in my family to have to go through it either.  I still cry about it, I still see little things that remind me of her and it just tears that hole in my heart open again and thus, we are childless.
   In all honestly, we have 7 children.  Six dogs and a cat.... its a menagerie and the cause of a great deal of chaos and I love every bit of it.  
Percy, Rosey, Molly, Lilly, Poppy, Lizzie, and Mr. Mew (His name is Teddy but adam calls him Mr. Mew and so his name is Mr. Mew) are our children and they are stressful but amazing.  So it breaks down to a miniature schnauzer, four muts, and a big eyed boxer puppy we recently adopted.  Each dog and cat have their own distinct personality and they also fill our hearts with a love and purpose.  I feel so honored to have these guys in my life and for all the times they frustrate me when they eat something they shouldnt.... break something in some sort of zoom through the house or have an accident on the floor five seconds after coming back in the house.... there are more times when their unconditional love is just what I need after a really stressful day.  I cannot truly describe how much therapy having pets gives someone...but I really believe if not for them, I would be in a much darker place.
   In May, after a lovely trip to London, Adam and I adopted Lizzie (her real name is Elizabeth I... I love my history).  She is a AKC registered Boxer and shes giant and full of life and love.  Her arrival couldn't have come at a more perfect time for me.  I graduated college in May and for some reason that biological clock started ticking.... and those "What ifs" popped up and were really doing a number on my mind.  In all honesty, I do not want children.  Along with the stress of our previous experiences...I also have pretty crappy health with an auto-immune disease that wreaks havoc on my joints and body and medication that is caustic to say the least...its just an unhealthy idea and after some soul searching I realized that while I had a short longing for the idea of motherhood...if I really wanted to be honest with myself and consider other people involved as well...its just not something I need/want to do.  And then somehow.... we got Lizze.  She could make the worst day wonderful.  She is playful, she is loving and animated...its just a joy to be around her and all she has to do is run up to you, put her paw on your leg and stare at you with those big brown eyes and your insides just melt.
She is truly a blessing.  We love taking her outside, we love playing with her.  We even love it when she surprises you in the morning by dragging the toilet paper through the house because you were the fool who left the bathroom door open (happened this morning btw).  Lizzie has this special ability to just make everything OK and that is the joy of dogs.  They love you, they want you to be happy and they are there to love you when the rest of the world doesn't and I need that.  
Dogs make all the bad go away, even if its for a short time...and that is a wonderfully amazing gift.

Thoughts of the Day

I really do not enjoy my weekly dose of methotrexate, it puts me in a horrible mood and I am distracted all day by feeling sick and hungry at the same time.  I have been reading what I would call a fluff book as of late. Stupid History is hilarious but not totally something to be taken as legit researched history on all fronts.

A Dance with Dragons

What is more frustrating than waiting for a book to come out anxiously?  How about finishing it and waiting for everyone else to do it while your brain is exploding with a need to talk about what you have read.... geeze!
I hate that I read so fast because this last book is insane and I know we will have a wait before the next one come out.  I cannot say why I have attached  myself to the Martin books as much as I have... the fact that it is fantasy without screaming that is such really has something to do with it.  There are no elves, there are no orcs, and the dwarves are people who are born with a genetic defect, not some happy mountain dwelling, treasure seeking, drinker with a long beard and no common sense...
My three favorites... Dany, Tyrion, and Jon...so much happens to them...so much I can't talk about until my friends catch up.
CATCH UP... PLEASE!!!
At this point I'm bursting at the seems.  

It All Ends

A Reflection on Harry Potter

 I remember when I decided to read Harry Potter.  I wasn't like the millions of children who began to read the series immediately when it was first published here in 1998, to be honest.... I wasn't into the books until between the release of Goblet of Fire and Order of the Phoenix.  By that point, I worked as a manager of a bookstore and had resisted reading the books for years, due to the fact that they were children's books and I guess I believed at the time, too childish for me.  That being said, scores of friends, customers, and others raved to me about how completely amazing the books were and I nodded, smiled, and went on about my business...reading a novel every now and again and just not finding anything that truly caught my attention.  

     I read every single book that was out within a few days, maybe three or four.  I found myself fascinated by the color and the depth of the story and with the humanity of the characters (for good and for bad).  I feel in love with the wizarding world just as everyone else had who cherishes this series and I am so thankful that I did.  For the first time in a long time...those books had me talking about a story and wondering, waiting in complete suspense for every book after to come out so I could finally see Voldemort destroyed and evil defeated. I can just imagine what it would be like to grow with the characters, like so many children had the opportunity to do, I can imagine that an experience like that only comes once in a lifetime and while they are just books and stories...they are a part of your childhood... a part of growing up and good friends for the last 13 years.

     When Deathly Hallows finally belonged to me... I remember immersing myself in the books immediately and reading it from cover to cover within a day.  One thing I recall that I didn't like about the book then, I appreciate now and understand why Rowling placed it in the book.  19 Years Later, after reading the complete gut wrenching last half of Deathly Hallows seemed trite and silly... like Rowling HAD to make it pretty for all the youngsters who grew up with Harry...to show how everything worked out just right.  Now, years after reading the books multiple times and tonight after seeing the final film in the theater (which I loved), I understand that chapter and I appreciate it more.

     The most important part of living through something traumatic is actually living through it and moving on.  We all have scars and I don't know if it means anything or if I am just overwhelmingly sentimental but, showing Harry and their friends survive and keep going after the most horrific of events details something that weaves itself through the entire Potter series...and while love is important, probably the most important theme in the books... hope is right up there.  Harry and his friends were willing to die in hopes of making the wizarding world safe for everyone.... and that hope and the willingness to make things right in the midst of terrible darkness is an amazing story and one worth conveying and teaching.  

I have never understood those who will look at you with utter disdain and proclaim "We don't read those books...."  I think, what a shame.  Rowling teaches the most touching and moral story of standing for those you love, doing whats right, and having the courage to stand up for what you believe no matter what faces you and I think that is something a lot of people should learn now.  There is also, a great humility in these children's books.... a humility in the sense that everyone is flawed and they make mistakes, but that doesn't make them irredeemable.  

    I guess I just am feeling a bit sentimental tonight, after seeing my last Harry Potter film in the theaters, after crying my eyes out for a bit when I knew I would (as someone so artistically pointed out to me the other day... You know what happens).  The filmmakers did amazing jobs over the years, having the series grow as it should over time and mature.  I am very content with the story and very glad I took the time one day to sit down and read those children's books.  

writing.

I have been writing a lot of fiction as of late.  Perhaps it is an interlude while I prepare for Grad School, I don't know.  I often thought, when I was younger, that I wanted to be a writer and I still...from time to time, write.  Do I think I am some great artist or wordsmith?  No, not really... but I do enjoy the act of writing a great deal and getting a story out.  I think perhaps it is why I enjoy writing the papers so much.  Even with non-fiction, just the act of writing makes me feel good.  So, even if what I write isn't some deeply academic endeavor, I enjoy it... it makes me feel good.
I think I have a decent story idea... I do not know how far it will go.  I tend to write the same page over and over around ten times before I get it right in my eyes and even at that point I have this Trent Reznor level of perfectionist in me and I feel that whatever I have written is complete crap and should immediately be scrapped because it is not worthy of the page.
and... perhaps it is not.
Its no literary jump I will say this, but it does make me feel good and I enjoy developing my story.  hey, perhaps I will share it here and get it out there... perhaps not.  It is cheesy to say the least.

Why I Don't Like the Media

So, within 20 minutes of this trial jury verdict being released, I had over 25 posts on my Facebook about it.  For days, on every American news channel or news site I have visited, it is all I see and I think to myself... there is so much more going on in the world.
People are murdered every day, beyond that children die every single day from starvation, from unclean living conditions, from lack of proper medical care and THOSE things we can help.  
Sure, its horrible when anyone is murdered...but that should be the focus... its horrible when it happens at all and making a career of a media circus around one person's death doesn't do anything but perpetuate a problem....
The entire coverage of that trial...if you can call it that was disgusting, and maybe now the world can move on to more important issues.