Irish Soda Bread

Stephen and I watched Julie and Julia tonight, which is a movie I absolutely adore...and had to force Stephen to watch.  I think he started to like it, though he will not admit it as he plays Assassin's Creed and protests to watch the random straight to DVD release with a half naked woman in the cover art.

2010

2010 has been an amazing and difficult year at the same time.  On the positive end... I have finished my required schooling for my 4 year History degree, I traveled to New York and Dublin, Ireland... two of the places I have always wanted to visit, and I spent some amazing time with my closest friends.  There were some hard patches, but nothing that couldn't be overcome and in the end, it was an amazing year, one of the best ever thanks to people like my wonderful husband Adam, without whom I don't know what I'd do.

I think I also learned a great deal about the nature of friendship.  Like many, for a long time I equated the success of friendship with the number of friends one had.  It seemed customary to belong to groups, be accepted and liked by a number of people...when, in the end I learned that groups are not what is important... its the loyalty and devotion of the friends you have that matters.  I may be able to count on one hand the number of true friends that I have... but in the end, I discovered this year that it is much more important that those few actually care about you, than have an enormous group of casual onlookers who in the end...won't be there.

The true friends are those who have seen you at your best and your very worst and still adore you for all of those things...
I may not have a gaggle of friends... but I have a handful of dear people near to me who would cut off their right arm if they thought it would help me and they mean more than anything to me because of it.

So,  in closing... this year has been one of great discovery.  I learned through isolation that I am lucky to have that handful and a loving family to go along with it.  We struggle so long trying to figure out who we are, or to become comfortable in our own skin... and then we fight tooth and nail to be accepted by a group, to feel like all that work we did panned out and honestly... its only those who love us for our successes and failings that count.

What is my wish for 2011... that those I love also find that out as well.

"Friendship is never established as an understood relation. It is a miracle which requires constant proofs. It is an exercise of the purest imagination and of the rarest faith."
-Thoreau

Thoughts on Thanksgiving

I am Thankful for my family.
I am Thankful for my husband.
I am Thankful for the few true friends I have.

Wanted to expand upon our confusions

Yet the screen in front of me is some jumbled  collection of words

and they reach out with brittle fingers and air and life sunk away 

There is a pain behind my head.  It unsettles me like the pain that perpetuates in an

ongoing rhythm to which I know I dare not want to hear.

I am terrified, stuck in this medicated state where the words I type are never clear

nor even visible to my eyes.

Yet... I want someone, somehow to understand when the cloud its and the level of disorientation  that champions my thoughts

 from that moment onward.

I wish so much to possess the ability in these last minutes of lucidity as my eyes start to battle with my body as things shut down so express my gratitude....and the necessity if your existence in my life.

My rock...

I cannot even see the words I am typing.  they saunter around my brain,dancing in silks and satins with oblong masked faces laughing as I wonder confused....wanting to reach you, wanting you to hold to me and make me feel save and wanted, even though you have pushed me away, into the disillusions shadows that are tearing my mind asunder.  

People make me so angry sometimes...

Politics and Ideals

I have been very quiet the last few days in regards to the elections.  There is a part of me that stands dumbfounded at how easily the citizens of this country can be duped by people who play a patriotic song, tell some yarn about days gone by, and press vehemently falsehoods to convince an unknowing American public to vote against their own interests.
Over 90% of the Country who voted on the 2nd of November cited the economy as their biggest issue and so many riled up "activists" walk around with racist and hate-filled signs about Hitler, Muslims, and "God Hates Fags" thinking their sacred moral country has been ripped from them win in fact, they have seemingly no morality, as they press their judgment and hatred onto the rest of the population.
Taxed Enough Already?
How about the 2% of the country who don't create jobs who are now holding onto over 80% of the wealth, while there are some who are working minimum wage jobs, suffering on assistance or cannot get it, and they are breaking under the pressure of this corporate run, capitalistic society?
IN truth, your taxes haven't gone up... at all... you have credits and such that enabled you to save on taxes which started with Bush and continue through Obama, now... and only now are those tax cuts about to expire.  And with a realization that our deficit is more than we can handle, the same people who have got you shouting Taxed Enough Already, are refusing to work with many House and Senate democrats on an extension of the tax breaks for Middle and Lower class (about 300,866,419 people), while letting the tax breaks on the highest 2% of our country... 2%... which is about 6 million people expire.   Because they do not want to bend, they would rather have the rest of the country suffer.  Because they say their main agenda is getting Obama out of office, they would let over 300 million Americans take a burden they may not be able to bear.  
Why would the Poor and Middle class vote against their own interests?  Well, people like our new Kentucky rep Rand Paul says, there is no rich or poor in America... LOL  In truth, they are told, spoon fed, that the rich... create jobs.
Well, I am sure multi-conglomerate corporations create jobs, but one single person does not... and with some of these corporations citing record profits, why are we at a 10% unemployment rate?  Well, some of these guys are creating jobs, in 3rd world countries where they can get cheap labor.  And whenever they tout that the Government cannot create jobs, I would invite them to Warner Robins and try to disprove that the Government does create jobs.


IN truth, you tell people the scary other is going to come and take away what makes them comfortable, and they behave out of fear...regardless of the facts like...


the bailout has been paid back (with interest)
the heath care bill hasnt even gone into effect yet...
Obama is NOT a muslim
Obama IS an American Citizen
Obama and all LIberals are NOT Marxist Communists
and Gays wont destroy your life if they can be married.
You have the lowest taxes in decades
and the RICH are getting richer while the poor cannot pay the rent.


these are facts.


SO yea, the election disgusted me, but ... whatever... 
I just hope people wake up before its too late.

The Edge

It seems to be
the edge is always
just over the horizon
glittering with warmth
and possibility
yet constantly at arms length
where arms extend
never reaching
stretching to the point of pain
with the idea that the delicate bones
nestled inside will break
The air close to the edge
think like paper walls
holding in a black and white world
gray being deviation
constant supression
shrill and cold
like the fall of winter upon the trees
knobby fingers extending out
with death's chilling touch
The end taunts the eyes
with its beautiful finality
and you dare not close them
else the dream will fade.

Thoughts...

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

Thoughts

Going to Europe has been a dream of mine since childhood.  A far fetched one more often than not as the price it costs to go to Europe is high and the time needed is lengthy, but somehow, some way, Adam was able to book a four day trip to Dublin, Ireland at least to give me a taste of Europe, a touch of the ancient and there is nothing like that feeling in the world.

Of course Dublin is like any other city...there are tons of people there on vacation, running around th touristy areas in hopes of having a pint of Guinness like a real Irishman.  Of course, we did the touristy things and went shopping at the kitchy shops with tea glasses and beer mugs with IRELAND tattooed on them...and actually, that was fun too.

But...

When we flew in and I saw the seaside, and we coasted over a partly clouded sky....with the little blotches of green separated only by darker lines of green, I was elated.  And, when I stepped foot on the bricked streets of Trinity College, or the 1200 year old slabs of stone which  make of the floor at St. Audoen's church, the age, the sense of time just swept over me and it was truly amazing.

Nothing like it in the world, I cannot thank Adam more for the gift he has given me.

Poem of the Day

A dust covers the world
the gritty soot in a thin layer
scratching my skin
irritating my eyes
things seem so clouded
and the burning incessant
salty tears fall
in an attempt to cleanse
yet the vision is a blur
and I see only the shapes of things
as if in a distance
on a hot and tarry
asphalt road
In a wave of confusion
I search for the clear
the transparent
yet visions of other lost souls
block my path
mud faced trenchers
with hollowed eyes
and yellowed skin
bellowing out a mournful song
of pain and suffering
I burn incense
to mask the phantom smell
of decaying flesh
remnants of the dead
I've never seen
These words come alive
from the pages
of that which I read
Pangs of war
endless bouts of suffering
and in the blur
covered by ash
I see it as if it were plain as day
no sleep for the wicked they say
as we send more to the trenches
without vision
or clarity

New Poem

I trained my eyes to look beyond the haze

After things move out of focus

And the world becomes a blur

The true clarity lies beyond that surface

When through the veil you see

The actual shape of things

Like a familiar shape through wisps

Of smoke

I see beyond the foggy visage

Into something almost ethereal

Where light and shadow mingle

Dancing together

Creating the tiny specters of imagination

An eye for the awkward

I see you through the grain

A soft smile

An enduring spirit

One day and One Semester to go

I have one day left of summer classes...then one semester and I graduate from MSC...wow.

Words that came forth

In the place of shadows

Beyond gilded windows

And lively places

Where specters of memory dance

Remnants of past transgressions

And hidden emotions

There stands my ambition

Derelict of passion

Mangled in the cobwebs of apathy

A spectacle of itself

Indeed

Once a candle flickered

Its golden light revealing

But it is now cinders

Lying quietly on a cold brass base

No life to speak of

And thus end my dreams

With ash

At least poetic in a sense

Pretty on a page

Bleh

This is the only word in the English language to describe my feeling as of late... formal or not.
I have been sick
School is a pain
I cant really work
and I am tired of sitting in my bedroom...completely tired of it.

I have thus read TWO books on World War One... they are happy little tomes I tell you.
One the English Experience, one The German both writing with angst and disillusionment about a war started with the most noble of intentions from the soldiers even though it was a cloud of political confusion which started the whole mess in the first place...
The remnants of an old world, the movers and shakers, Imperial designs on a modern world and... modern technology no one knew how to use...
What a great combo...
After this, I am going to read something so happy its sick and then sit in some flowers for a while, I feel a bit down.
and I wrote a poem, but its for no one's eyes but my own

WOW

I had some fun tonight with guildies in WOW doing raids for fun

To make a difference

For all those people who wanted to help with the gulf... HERE IS A WAY

GRR

I don't often hate on the books I have to read for class... like some sort of glutton, I usually enjoy the books my professors assign (im strange)


but...  Time on The Cross is quite possibly the worst book I have ever read.
I cannot stand the research, I cannot stand the conclusions, and I couldn't disagree more with the outcome.
This book sucks.

I used to think I wanted a lot of friends, I change my mind.

Wine

I like whine, let me preface this post with that.
I like Red Wines and the older I get, the darker I like my red wines.

This week I tried R Wines Evil Cabernet Sauvignon and it was great, it has the word Evil spelled upside down and it just looks like a cute little bottle, but the wine tastes great.
That is all.
I may have some red pepper humus with this.

Attempts at Writing

So I published a small book, which I linked below.  Its my first attempt so it it rough at best, I wanted to see what this publisher's finished product looked like before I tried again, I already know some things I will do differently....but you have to start somewhere.
A 24 page poetry and photo book...

The breeze of a growing summer filters through open windows
welcoming cool waves of air to push away moist heat.
A few brave moths lightly dance around the porch light
rusted in places and cracked in others
The lilies are dying
wilted ivory petals sadly draped across green plastic
I tried to grow them this year
watered them daily
attempted to protect them from the lethal heat
to no avail
Ive been sitting on this porch step for at least twenty minutes
and the sweat pouring down my back
making odd lines against my gray cotton shirt
serves as evidence
I think here
under the dying lilies
surrounded by the brave moths and illuminated by the rusted porch light
I think about when things will get easy
when I wont be drowning
in sea of things I cant control
My hair is sticking to my forehead
and my mind wanders to crimson veils and red tent dresses
with pictures for words and a world where all is forbidden
blessed be
or praise be
or the lines where fiction and reality blur and you feel trapped either way
I chose the path of fate and foreshadow 
constantly questioning some sort of dark fate looming over me
and shaking my fist at a black and cloud covered sky
As the stars are sleeping and do not wish to be disturbed
I could wish upon my rusted porch light
for relief
Its not the way of things

No School!

The next few weeks are a nice break.  The rigorous flow of schoolwork and work kind of slows to just working a regular schedule and I don't have to worry about reading something or turning in something else, which makes me feel like I have a heavy weight off my shoulder.  With that being said, it will all return soon enough...as the first week of Summer Semester looms in the near future, but to enjoy this time of relaxation is lovely.  I feel like I have time to myself to do things for myself that I enjoy.
And...do not get me wrong, it is not like I do not enjoy the exercises in research and study when dealing with History, I love it...but having a break to breathe is important as well.
I'm still a bit stressed, money is tight and medication is expensive and all that jazz, but things just feel a bit more sunny.
Which is why I took a lot of pictures outside the last few days.

I'm not a big fan of Mother's Day, and I havent been for a long time.  I kind of resent the day, I mean Im glad moms out there can celebrate and be appreciated but... its just hard for me to deal with it.
I guess Im bad and selfish and I dont think about my daughter a lot... but on days like mothers day, I hate the hole loser her left.

Yes!

THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT


I am done with my Senior Research Seminar.... one step closer to graduation.

A Poem

I thought of lines
pretty ones
that flowed off the lips
like rain off a spring petal
longed to write them
inside the flap of the old book
I had to have
three dollars
a bargain indeed
It spoke of battlements
and corpses green with the plague
and I found it beautiful
we listened to poetry
with the symphony of sirens
as there was no air
just open windows
looking out into the back lot
the building was covered 
in fresh green vines
my mind kept wandering
far away
to the vines
to the small yellowed book 
nestled on the shelf beside me
a childrens book
for children with beds of stone
later I drank cold beer 
from a frosty mug
I wanted to go home 
find the warmth of my bed
and never leave
filled with poetry and beer
sirens

One Final Down
Two to Go
One paper to Finish...
And I will be one step closer to graduation.

Frustration

We live in a world of "I've got mine."  It is not a nice world to live in if for some reason you are poor or suffering, but those who could often do something about that revert back to "I've got mine" the first change they get.  I will admit, I was at one point oblivious  and I spent more money on a pair of jeans than some people get in a month, but I do try now...to be different and to be honest, part of that is selfish.
I never thought I would be unable to get proper medical care or medication.  I think to myself, we live in the richest country in the world...I'll never have to worry about that.  I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis when I was twenty-seven years old.  Six years later, I struggle with it, its hard, it makes me sick, the medications make me sicker... but I would rather take those medications than be cripple or unable to do the things I like to do.
Never have I been so sick that I had to often deal with health insurance companies...until now and its the worst experience ever.
Having to validate your need for medication to someone who has no knowledge of the medical field...is crippling.  Because Insurance companies and medication companies are for profit entities, they dont want to pay for the medication I get.  They dont want to have to fork out 2k a month for shots that may possibly stop me from becoming cripple down the road...and because of that, they make it impossible to get the medication you need, wear you down, beat you up, so you will give up and just stop trying.
My insurance company just did that... after denying my shots twice (shots that help me stay functional), I finally got them approved for a year...only to go to pick them up last week and get told that they were denied again. When calling the insurance company, I found out they changed our policy in January and made it to where in order to get my medication I have to go ot a certain pharmacy, get a 90 day supply prescribed and get them sent to me in the mail in bulk.  In order to do that, I have to go back to my doctor, get a new prescription, get it approved again and then drop 120 dollars at once just for the one medication to keep it going (thats if they approve it).  Its disheartening to see that a corporate company can decide whether or not I stay sick.

Muffled sounds flowing through rusted screens
The birds lofted high in their branches
Call down to the world below
It is Spring
And the clouds of ominous gray
clutter up the blue
hiding behind
longing to get out
All is new
Small buds of pink and yellow
Struggling to break free
And bloom
It is Spring

Oh Buddy...

I will be so glad when this semester is over.  I have two finals and a paper...THE PAPER to go.  I just got my rough draft back today and it was a kindly slap to the face, now I have to pick up my ego and fix all the problems.
bleh

Abbey

My Dog abby died today, It was one of the worst things I've ever gone through, I dont wish that on anyone.
I am completely drained.

There was a great wind

it stretched its fingers out

toying with banners of gold and red

Men and boys stood straight

watching in awe and admiration

The smell of the sea lingered in the senses

and she reigned

above them all

shouting down her adversary 

over the crashing of the waves

white crested and enraged 

slamming against the darkened cliffs

just a pebbles throw away

I feel lessened when I shudder

weak when I cry out

beaten by something so simple

unseen by the eye

my namesake

a bulwark of strenght

I want to stand tall as well

and yet I falter

as the Spanish ships broke apart

in bloodthirsty waters

swelling with rage

and engulfing the brave in the folds

were I the mistress of Albion

unscathed by my opponent 

I would resist 

I could fight

But my own blood flows against me

sucking away the iron will

and leaving frailty

Broken sails fallen

the invisible storm

a literal typhoon 

words cannot suppress

no fight can quash

I am conquered

Crunch Time

It is the end of hopefully my last Spring Semester at MSC.  I am in crunch time and I am so ready to be done with these classes.
I want to just do well and get it over with, sooo stressed out.

Sometimes I feel like I dont know half of the people I'm around.

Poem

A blunt blow to the head
stark and forceful
drilling into my temple
the deepest shade of red
ill humors escape
or do they
my blue eyes seem clouded
pale
distant
corpse like
there is a ringing
oddly shrill and unsettling
my vision is blurred
and I cannot hear the words
you whisper
it is cold in this place
deep blues and darkened purples
swimming in a shadowed sea
of gray
im numb

:(

I am so tired of being sick all the time.
That is all.

Photos Moving

This page will no longer be a photo dump, I have created a photo blog for photos...
http://fariequeenesphotos.blogspot.com/

Please follow!!!

Starstruck

One of the most exciting things I did in New York involved going to see a show on Broadway.  Adam (because he is awesome) endured the pain of a musical and took me to see Phantom of the Opera (which was amazing).  I had to snag a pic of the street sign.

Rainforest

I have the windows open tonight as the cool spring breeze comes in my windows and I work on schoolwork on the couch.  I've been sick all day, it hasn't been a great day.  I had a few people aggravated at me because I won an award...it was odd, I didn't do anything, I didn't ask for an award and they were angry at me because I won it, so I tried to get my mind off of that and onto something else.
I heard the buzzing of the bugs outside and I thought about the Coqui frog in Puerto Rico.  This frog has a very distinct sound and you can only find it in Puerto Rico.  When you stood out on the balcony at night, you just listened to a symphony of sounds with the waves of the ocean behind you, the rustling of the wind through the vast trees in the mountains surrounding you...bird, bugs, and the Coqui frog.
I grew to love that sound.
My favorite thing I did in Puerto Rico was go to that rainforst and despite stupid diseases and pain, climb a mountain in a rainforest.
Click here to listen to the frog.

Oldie but a goodie

As this has become a photo blog, which I am totally awesomely cool about (with the occasional angry rant...I cant help it)  I am going to add some of my older stuff, like the photos I took in Puerto Rico last year.

What I love about this is the multiple elements.  The photograph was taken at the Fort in old San Juan, Puerto Rico the day after the country's biggest gas refinery explosions on the coast.  So...beyond the walls of the 4 century old fort, the 19th century buildings of Old San Juan, and the parking decks of the modern era...past the mountains and the telephone lines, there is this huge fire seemingly attacking the sky...and the small Puerto Rican flag in the center, it was an insane day.

Frustration

     Perhaps it is stupid to believe that people can think rationally in this day and age.  We are so insistent on joining a team, having a side, that we forget points, ideals, truths, and beliefs in order to remain on the side we are comfortable on.  Politics is no longer about what you believe is right for your country...but if you are in a red or a blue state, democrat or republican, conservative or liberal...its not about whats good for the country, whats right for the people, or just having an opinion.  Too many people get caught up in the sides that they forget what on earth they dont like about the other side in the first place.
I think the generation of my discontent or disillusionment with politics as a whole comes with the fact that daily I get called an American hating communist.  It infuriates me.  I love my country, I just have a different view than some on how that country should prosper and what our constitution says.  



Section 8 - Powers of Congress
The Congress shall have Power To lay and collect Taxes, Duties, Imposts and Excises, to pay the Debts and provide for the common Defence and general Welfare of the United States; but all Duties, Imposts and Excises shall be uniform throughout the United States;


I don't think reading that and believing that when it says providing for the general welfare of our country that means...ensuring that people when they are dying can get medical care and not have to pay 2 thousand dollars a month for medications to keep them healthy...is wrong.
And even if it is against what someone else believes, I dont think that makes me some sort of Nazi or Communist because those are strong labels and without understanding fully those definitions in context...saying that about someone just because they believe in some sense of social responsibility is wrong.
And its not just that...
politics is not the only arena lately where stuff like this is permeating...
I work with at least two people who boast about how much of a Christian they are, but call Obama the anti-christ, a socialist, Hitler, a Muslim, condemn homosexuals, call me a communist, call me a heathen, and worse just because I don't agree with them.  They talk about how its not their job to pay for lazy people when dealing with healthcare and then I wonder who on earth they think they worship on a daily basis as Christians...
It infuriates me because regardless of how my viewpoints may differ, I cant fathom watching people suffer, I cant fathom telling a gay person they are bad people just because who they deem to love, and I cannot for the life of me understand how it is ok to strive to live under the tenants of a person who loved everyone and accepted everyone and call anyone they disagree with nasty names and label them.
I think, and I will always think that I see more of this negative sentiment because of where I live but...its hard to sit in the midst of so much ignorance, intolerance, and racism and not attempt to fight back.

Statues

I loved all of the greek and roman statues we got to see at the Met, this is one of the millions of pictures I took of them.  :)

More Pics

The New York Public Library

This is the famous lion at the NYPL, I was enthralled.

And of course, I had to get my picture with one, duh.  I am a book nerd.


The coolest thing about the Library actually was the exhibit they had on old maps of the area and the Voltaire exhibit which had the original manuscript of Candide.

The city at night was awesome, and I liked walking around in the midst of all of it.
Much more fun than watching a movie in black and white that is cheesy.

Today

     We spend so much time rushing through our lives.  I am a perfect example... I always seem to have five different things to do and never enough time to do it, but lately the biggest excuse for ignorance is... I don't have time to check this, I dont have time to read that, I dont have time to study this...I'm just going to base my opinion and say things even though I'm uninformed.


Today in the illustrious Macon Telegraph (which is quite possibly the sorriest excuse for a newspaper on the planet), a couple wrote in...
(this was published IN PRINT MIND YOU)

Comparisons

Seventeen thousand new IRS agents. Hello, police state (and how many are on the payroll already?) Krystal Nacht — anyone recall that travesty? Jewish merchants had their stores and contents smashed all over Germany on that infamous night. Americans had their government operation, tradition, law making rules smashed and civility ignored. Before our very eyes we saw vote buying, we saw representatives of the people abandon their principles (if they ever had any). We saw a so-called health bill passed by intimidation. Its control, not health, the Democrats were seeking and they got it.

We feel sorry and embarrassed for the American Jewish population who voted 90 percent for the Obama administration. The same goes for the Catholic population who voted 54 percent for Obama. Listen for the knock on your door. Had enough?

— Alicia and Dan Callahan

Centerville

I hate to judge, I really do... I mean to be honest I think its wrong to pass judgment on people most of the time, but ignorance is just that...ignorance.
The incident in which they were speaking was called Kristallnacht and it was a night in which Nazi pogroms against Jews went about and smashed all the shop windows of Jewish business owners and this act was a precursor to the devastation which followed throughout the late 30s and during WWII.  To even lower the memory of the people who died throughout the terrifying events of the Holocaust by using this bad comparison to make a half assed political statement sickens me....people died, moms, dads, kids..died.  
I am sorry, but history is soo vastly important because people like this above me...exist.
and it scares me.

Happy Easter

What better way to express Modern Art by something so vastly open to interpretation.  I don't know why but this exhibit really interested me.  Throughout the course of the day, if you went by.. different people would be staring at each other in silence at this table while the world watched.

Midnight Oil and a Photo from the MOMA

I will have to admit, Modern art has won me over after years of rejecting it.  Our trip to the MOMA on our last day there  was awesome...we walked through the rain to get there and it was so worth the trip.

Since I did skip one day... I have two today

I really loved this one of Adam...

I think he and I were meant for the city.

For a long time the air was cold.
Brisk and unrelentingly shrill
stark and harsh daily
Everything felt depressed and heavy.
I want to love the winter
with its gray skies and white blankets
and yet
the evocation of solace is sometimes too hard to bear.
Looking outside my window now
I see greens and blues and lilacs
even the sickening yellow dust that shrouds everything
is warming
inviting
hopeful
The sun has cast a light and run off the shadows
at least outside
through that window

Pic of the Day

This little gem was taken at the American Museum of Natural History because Adam loves rhinos and the museum has an amazing array of animal depictions.  so I had to take it, thus my new pic of the day.

A New Feature

Im going to daily post a pic from NY (if I remember)

This is from Starry Night...yea THE Starry Night

It was amazing to see this picture so close, I loved it.  I had to push my way through but eventually I got up this close and took the pictures of the texture... Van Gough, right in front of me.
Amazing.

I am thinking about some pretty good things right now as there are things in the world trying to bring me down, this made me smile.

:(

I dont have anything to say.

NYC

I am not a world traveler by any means, but having the opportunity to go to New York was one of the coolest things I've ever done. Adam and I enjoyed every moment from the eclectic traffic of people surrounding you at all times to the windows that pass you by, rides on the subway, walks to Central Park, plays, and museums....food...fun...just the amazing atmosphere of the city.

I have filled over 13 gig of photos, not wanting to forget any moment...

It is a trip I will forever cherish and the most awesome trip of my life.

Finally...

This winter has been a plague on my system. The constant cold and wet has combined with the normal symptoms of my disease to wreak complete havoc and leave me sick and in pain most of the time. On top of that, a strange work schedule and a new daunting semester has combined in making what is already hard, harder. It can be daunting to try to do everything as well as maintain some sanity and the impact of the winter ended up in me having to take more medication (upped dosage of my anti-inflamatory, steroids, and my regular regiment which includes a weekly shot) and working less...doing less. Even with doing that, I feel sick a lot, I hurt a lot and it can get the best of you...leaving you listless and depressed which right now, I am.

On top of that, I have one teacher this semester who is giving me a hard time about missing class, which I honestly cannot help. I have done everything I can...brought doctors excuses, done extra labs, went and extensively explained my situation, and she still wants to give me a hard time so I went to the learning support department and received word today that my letters of accommodation have come in and I can give them to her, basically officially explaining from the school that I have a disease and that I cannot help it.

To me, this is a big deal, because now I do not have to worry if I cannot make it.

Annoyed

It is hard to let someone have an opinion when it feels wrong. I'm stubborn, more stubborn than anyone I know and while I understand everyone is entitled to an opinion, some opinions are just bad.

My school newspaper is called The Macon Statement. It is a small publication, but it gets around the school. The front inside page of the paper is reserved for editorial space and today a Rev. Fuller wrote a piece about homosexuals. While proclaiming that Homosexuals were people too and we need to love the "person" not the "act"... he also said he believed that homosexuals were biologically homosexual and that not all biological tendencies are good and homosexuals should know theirs is wrong and just not do it. He compared homosexuals to pedophiles and those who partake in beastiality and that...deeply offended me. His evidence for how wrong homosexuals was the simplistic "When the bible speaks of homosexual acts, it condemns them." and that was it...

In all truth, you may not like what a person does...but I tell you this, I have a hard time thinking that a person is lost from God just because they love someone of the same gender... to be perfectly honest... I think God has much more important things to worry about than if a man's sexual partner is another man.

I could, poke enormous holes in this guy's article sure enough... like the biological claim... if homosexuality is biological, if a person has a natural tendency to be attracted to the same sex... then if you are a Christian, do you not believe that God made humans, made them completely and if God naturally placed a proclivity for the same sex in some people, is that somehow a mistake on God's part? I don't think so...

Also... comparing someone who wants to have any sort of relations sexual or otherwise with a consenting adult of the same gender to someone who forces themselves sexually on a child or an animal... is just irresponsible, disrespectful, and a blatant attempt to turn someone's life choice into simple depraved degeneration...

I just don't understand why some try so very hard to completely demean someone just because they are different.

Healthcare

Dear selfish politicians who only think about votes and getting re-elected...

I have a disease, I work because I need good health care...

Doing that makes me feel worse.

Please stop being so selfish and think about the people you are paid to represent...

pass healthcare for your population, a sick nation is not a productive one.

Research Development

The last few weeks have been slightly rough. School and work have not worked out well due to the fact that I am attempting on some days to go to school all day and then pull an eight hour shift until 11 pm and not making it home until almost midnight...and being away from home for 14 hours out of the day is not fun at all. I have to study at school, sit at school more hours than I would like and then jaunt off to work for a long shift...and I miss my house, my husband, and the comfort of being somewhere personal. It is not easy, but... I can do this, I can finish.

On a more positive educational front, I am starting to really get into the senior project I am working on currently regarding Colonial charter development in the 16th, 17th and early 18th centuries. While the research is in the beginning phases to say the least, I am thoroughly happy with what I have found thus far and find myself falling more and more in love with the dynamics of charters and how they dictate what can and cannot be done in a British colonial settlement. Perhaps here, I will slowly update through the process and what I find, if anyone reads this blasted thing anyway lol.

Right now...

I am focusing on the 1584 Charter awarded to Sir Humfrey Gilbert by the crown to explore outside the bounds of the realm of England, the charter is very vague and gives Gilbert a great deal of birth and power in his expeditions... it is amazing how much was given to the early explorers and how finite such allowances become by the time entire Royal colonies are created in the late 17th and early 18th centuries.

I've been feeling sickly the last few days and I really don't want my facebook or my conversation to be centered around me feeling like crap, even if I do. A combination of working some pretty grueling shifts which include all physical style labor (ive been doing returns which consists of boxing up 40lb boxes of books we send back to the publisher, taping them up, and picking them up one at a time and hauling them to the area where they are stored for 8 hours), school being back in session and learning to cope with days where I go to class at 930 to 12:15 and then go work until 11 PM some days and then go to class half the afternoon on others, as well as attempting to do Tae Kwon Do (Which is totally my choice) for some exercise... I feel like total ass. But... I feel so guilty because so what, I feel like ass and yet there are people with no homes and no food and dying on the street somewhere and im whining because my stupid ass disease is acting up a bit.

But...

its how I feel.

Im really frustrated because I take my shots...but I refuse to take the other crap that makes me sick...

I WILL NOT take methotrexate again....that stuff is disgusting and it makes me so unhappy, sick...losing my hair...im only 33...

I dont want to take my pain pills, they make me sick to my stomach but, its 3 am and im sitting on the couch miserable because I hurt, I cant sleep, and I dont want to get in the bed, toss and turn and wake up Adam crying like I have twice this week.

Bleh...

This is stupid and I feel even more stupid for having my own personal pity party.

School is Back...

I feel like school is hating on me for being away for a few weeks by piling up homework I have no way to finish.

Lets see...

Three Chapters for Modern Europe

8 pages of work for French

a Chapter and some research for Burson

and starting on a book I have a review due for in two weeks for Zim...

did I mention all my classes have only met once.

YES SCHOOL!

I know it will be worth it, I know many have it worse, Im just feeling a bit overwhelmed as usual.