Gossip

I loathe gossip.

I loathe those who gossip and try to get into other people's business.

I find that it is hard to deal with people who spend all of their time concerned with other people's lives. When you look at it, they must lead very empty lives of their own...

Granted none of these immature "grown ups" are giving me problems, but I am a party to the havoc they are causing for others and it aggravates me and thus I am removing myself from the association of some people... not immediate friends but those kind of in a group...

I dont like it and I wont be in the midst of such destructive and immature behavior.

When it Rains...

I stayed up until around three in the morning working on the papers I had due today. With zeal and determination, I hashed out everything and by 3 AM, I finally finished my last bit of work due for the semester. Thinking I finally was able to poke my head above the clouds, I went to bed...setting my alarm for 9 AM, so I could get to my final early and prepare before taking my final...coming home...and finishing up the last take home final I have due on Thursday...

But as I am prone to the oddest luck... when I got ready to leave, I found my car keys safely locked inside my car...in the dashboard, where I had left them from mine and Adam's trip to Florida. Now, it was my fault, I forgot to get them out before Adam left for work this morning, but the outcome is... I am stuck at home with no way to get to my final.

I have an amazing professor though who offered to let me take the Final on Wednesday, at 9 AM. I will be there, with bells on, happily awaiting the final exam...such is life, such is what shall be...its just a pain in the butt and I stood there at my door as it started to rain this morning and went... REALLY???

But...

its a test, that I missed, that I will get to make up.

I sat down, had a moment, took a deep breath like my Professor suggested...and decided to make a cake.

My mother makes the MOST AMAZING sour cream poundcake in the world. You would have to taste it to understand... I could eat pieces of that cake no matter if I were hungry or not and I just so happen to have all the ingredients sitting around my kitchen. So, instead of freaking out about those things I cannot control, I calmed down and made a cake.

It may be gloomy outside, but I'm gonna cheer it up around here.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Today I am cheerful because I can see the light at the end of the Fall Semester tunnel. I have one and a half papers and a take home final...and one in class final and I am finished for Fall 09. What this means... Spring 10, Summer 10, and Fall 10 and I will have completed my Bachelor's of History.

It is a small step really because over the next year I have to...

1. Take the GRE

2. Apply to Grad School

3. Get into a Grad School

4. Figure out how I am going to go to Grad School

BUT... its getting somewhere.

IF I can complete grad school in 3 years tops and my PHD in 2, I will have my PHD by the time I am 38. I feel like I am starting very late, but I don't know... when I start talking about history and realizing what all the subject does for me and others... I know it is where I need to be.

I am on the right path, I just have to stay on it no matter what.

I wont be a sellout like that Robert Frost guy. ;)

Humanity

We spend our lives trying to sway people to what we believe. There is nothing wrong with that, its perfectly natural...human and we are all human.

I had someone attempt to tell me tonight that we are not all human, or not all equally human at least and it disturbed me so very much... I wanted to shake the person and say NO...LISTEN TO YOURSELF...but what would that prove really?

I was accused of being politically correct tonight because I said I wanted to be respectful of all ethnicities and I would not agree that different ethnicities means lesser/more human...

This guy, as nice as he may be on a social level.. is a racist, a bigot, a person who looks at someone who is not white and thinks they are lesser than he...and that is, without a doubt, disgusting.

Its sad to me... that you can look at another person and see anything but another human being.

Why is it so easy to separate everyone out into neat little groups...so we can diminish them, push them to the side, or make ourselves better?

He tried to tell me science could prove different ethnicities should stay with each other because genetically its good for you...and when I argued the bad side of social darwinism, he said I was being political...

but... is it politics to think all people are equal?

This guy has always seemed to be as a bright, intelligent, and nice person...

but then there is this...giant elephant now...racist, judgmental... wrong... and I think to myself... why?

How do people turn into this?

And of course... im leftist, liberal, a communist, a fascist... because I wont agree that we should separate ethnicities and

"its true that some races are better at some things than others..."

NO NO NO...thats just wrong, and ignorant, and wrong...

but calling someone stupid wont change anything.

The world is a complicated place...some of the arguments I heard tonight reminded me of the racial testing done back in the 50s to legitimize Jim Crowe in America, or the things the Nazis were doing to the Jews or the mentally disabled in Germany in the 1930s and 1940s...

I cannot look at another human being regardless of their race, creed, or faith and see anything except a human being...

Its heartbreaking to know people think the way this guy does and I couldnt really open up about it on facebook...but I had to get it out, because I'm screaming about it on the inside.

Frustrated

Sometimes I think I need a new set of friends, who are a bit more adult, a bit more attentive, I don't know...but recently I have been thinking about that a lot.

When you get older, life is busy, there are so many factors that weigh in on your day and it would be good to know when the day is done that you don't have to be the one doing the calling/texting/inviting to see the people you think are your friends...that maybe the would call/text/invite you.

I think I'm gonna stop and if people contact me, well then I know they are friends and if they don't oh well.

The Plus and Minus of Puerto Rico

Puerto Rico is a beautiful country. I have never seen a place so lush, green, and naturally beautiful in my life...not up close at least. I can say I have stood thousands of feet in the air atop a mountain peak in the Puerto Rican Rain Forest and gasped at the view of the distant shoreline with brilliant blue waters and creamy soft sands. I have waded in the freshest of mountain streams as I watched clean water fall from rocky edges into a clear pool of clean water. I have sat under an ancient tree and leaned against its moist bark while looking around at the multitude of plant life that covers the forest floor...

While in Puerto Rico, I also was able to immerse myself into the rich history of the country. I stood atop centuries old fortifications and looked down at the rocky shoreline of Old San Juan. I have walked the winding and dark tunnels that extend under the walls of an ancient fortress just to come out into a beautiful courtyard of marble and stone. I stood on the battlements of the same structure and witnessed the largest fire in Puerto Rican history burn only miles away, catching a few smart shots as I marveled at the massive amount of smoke going into the atmosphere and the flames that lept into the skyline of San Juan like something out of some odd movie, and nothing real.

In Puerto Rico I have sat amongst locals and had the pleasure of eating some of the most amazing food I've ever had...with fresh spices and passed down recipes. I've lounged in a cafe for a light dinner of the best bean soup I've ever tasted and begged for more when I cleaned my bowl, all the while sipping on the best espresso I've ever had the honor of tasting. Each eatery, each roadside stand, each server and cook have their own stories and the food as well as the people tell the story in each native dish as you, the patron, savor it.

Ive also seen a darker side...where some will take advantage of those who dont know any better for God knows' what reasonis...

Ive never seen a gun up close and personal until now, and I could have been fine without that knowledge.

but even with the negative...Puerto Rico was beautiful, but I dont like its newer urban center in San Juan...give me castles, coasts, and rain forests anyday.

Stressed

I know I don't really post much on this blog, I guess it is because I have facebook and twitter and a score of other outlets to let everyone know how I feel, but I think those get too cluttered at times and I have too many friends. I don't live confrontation at all. I freeze up, I get upset, it is just hard for me to deal with people when they are being aggressive and I don't know why...especially when I can be quite aggressive myself.

Tonight I spoke up for something that was bothering me and not only did I get smacked down for it, but I felt like I was left hanging. I really had my feelings hurt and it was painful. I vocalized a problem of multiple people, but because my vocalization was not what people wanted to hear...everything just resorted to stressful banter that had nothing to do with the issue at hand and all to do with flared tempers.

I think the most upsetting part of the whole ordeal was feeling alone. I had one of my closest friends "on my side" and yet they said nothing and it hurt my feelings a lot.

I dont know how i feel about that, besides slightly abandoned.

Too many blogs

I may start using this blog more just because everyone and their mother doesn't know it is here...

Facebook has become overcrowded and sadly I feel like I cannot vent as well when everyone I know is reading.

I had a really bad nightmare last night, its the second time I have had it...and I guess it stems from a fear of someone breaking in the house, I dont know but it kept me up until 4 AM. I have a cold and I am pretty sore due to the cold and perhaps the weather change. I don't know but I haven't been as sore as of late and today all of that is just compounding.

I made an 87 on my Japanese history exam,which is not what I wanted to see. I wanted to see an A and I did not get one, which made me sad.

There is a poetry contest at MSC this year, I am going to enter.

I forgot I even had this thing...

....

School is kicking my ass...
I am tired...
I want an easy life for like 5 minutes.