Gossip

I loathe gossip.

I loathe those who gossip and try to get into other people's business.

I find that it is hard to deal with people who spend all of their time concerned with other people's lives. When you look at it, they must lead very empty lives of their own...

Granted none of these immature "grown ups" are giving me problems, but I am a party to the havoc they are causing for others and it aggravates me and thus I am removing myself from the association of some people... not immediate friends but those kind of in a group...

I dont like it and I wont be in the midst of such destructive and immature behavior.

When it Rains...

I stayed up until around three in the morning working on the papers I had due today. With zeal and determination, I hashed out everything and by 3 AM, I finally finished my last bit of work due for the semester. Thinking I finally was able to poke my head above the clouds, I went to bed...setting my alarm for 9 AM, so I could get to my final early and prepare before taking my final...coming home...and finishing up the last take home final I have due on Thursday...

But as I am prone to the oddest luck... when I got ready to leave, I found my car keys safely locked inside my car...in the dashboard, where I had left them from mine and Adam's trip to Florida. Now, it was my fault, I forgot to get them out before Adam left for work this morning, but the outcome is... I am stuck at home with no way to get to my final.

I have an amazing professor though who offered to let me take the Final on Wednesday, at 9 AM. I will be there, with bells on, happily awaiting the final exam...such is life, such is what shall be...its just a pain in the butt and I stood there at my door as it started to rain this morning and went... REALLY???

But...

its a test, that I missed, that I will get to make up.

I sat down, had a moment, took a deep breath like my Professor suggested...and decided to make a cake.

My mother makes the MOST AMAZING sour cream poundcake in the world. You would have to taste it to understand... I could eat pieces of that cake no matter if I were hungry or not and I just so happen to have all the ingredients sitting around my kitchen. So, instead of freaking out about those things I cannot control, I calmed down and made a cake.

It may be gloomy outside, but I'm gonna cheer it up around here.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Today I am cheerful because I can see the light at the end of the Fall Semester tunnel. I have one and a half papers and a take home final...and one in class final and I am finished for Fall 09. What this means... Spring 10, Summer 10, and Fall 10 and I will have completed my Bachelor's of History.

It is a small step really because over the next year I have to...

1. Take the GRE

2. Apply to Grad School

3. Get into a Grad School

4. Figure out how I am going to go to Grad School

BUT... its getting somewhere.

IF I can complete grad school in 3 years tops and my PHD in 2, I will have my PHD by the time I am 38. I feel like I am starting very late, but I don't know... when I start talking about history and realizing what all the subject does for me and others... I know it is where I need to be.

I am on the right path, I just have to stay on it no matter what.

I wont be a sellout like that Robert Frost guy. ;)

Humanity

We spend our lives trying to sway people to what we believe. There is nothing wrong with that, its perfectly natural...human and we are all human.

I had someone attempt to tell me tonight that we are not all human, or not all equally human at least and it disturbed me so very much... I wanted to shake the person and say NO...LISTEN TO YOURSELF...but what would that prove really?

I was accused of being politically correct tonight because I said I wanted to be respectful of all ethnicities and I would not agree that different ethnicities means lesser/more human...

This guy, as nice as he may be on a social level.. is a racist, a bigot, a person who looks at someone who is not white and thinks they are lesser than he...and that is, without a doubt, disgusting.

Its sad to me... that you can look at another person and see anything but another human being.

Why is it so easy to separate everyone out into neat little groups...so we can diminish them, push them to the side, or make ourselves better?

He tried to tell me science could prove different ethnicities should stay with each other because genetically its good for you...and when I argued the bad side of social darwinism, he said I was being political...

but... is it politics to think all people are equal?

This guy has always seemed to be as a bright, intelligent, and nice person...

but then there is this...giant elephant now...racist, judgmental... wrong... and I think to myself... why?

How do people turn into this?

And of course... im leftist, liberal, a communist, a fascist... because I wont agree that we should separate ethnicities and

"its true that some races are better at some things than others..."

NO NO NO...thats just wrong, and ignorant, and wrong...

but calling someone stupid wont change anything.

The world is a complicated place...some of the arguments I heard tonight reminded me of the racial testing done back in the 50s to legitimize Jim Crowe in America, or the things the Nazis were doing to the Jews or the mentally disabled in Germany in the 1930s and 1940s...

I cannot look at another human being regardless of their race, creed, or faith and see anything except a human being...

Its heartbreaking to know people think the way this guy does and I couldnt really open up about it on facebook...but I had to get it out, because I'm screaming about it on the inside.

Frustrated

Sometimes I think I need a new set of friends, who are a bit more adult, a bit more attentive, I don't know...but recently I have been thinking about that a lot.

When you get older, life is busy, there are so many factors that weigh in on your day and it would be good to know when the day is done that you don't have to be the one doing the calling/texting/inviting to see the people you think are your friends...that maybe the would call/text/invite you.

I think I'm gonna stop and if people contact me, well then I know they are friends and if they don't oh well.

The Plus and Minus of Puerto Rico

Puerto Rico is a beautiful country. I have never seen a place so lush, green, and naturally beautiful in my life...not up close at least. I can say I have stood thousands of feet in the air atop a mountain peak in the Puerto Rican Rain Forest and gasped at the view of the distant shoreline with brilliant blue waters and creamy soft sands. I have waded in the freshest of mountain streams as I watched clean water fall from rocky edges into a clear pool of clean water. I have sat under an ancient tree and leaned against its moist bark while looking around at the multitude of plant life that covers the forest floor...

While in Puerto Rico, I also was able to immerse myself into the rich history of the country. I stood atop centuries old fortifications and looked down at the rocky shoreline of Old San Juan. I have walked the winding and dark tunnels that extend under the walls of an ancient fortress just to come out into a beautiful courtyard of marble and stone. I stood on the battlements of the same structure and witnessed the largest fire in Puerto Rican history burn only miles away, catching a few smart shots as I marveled at the massive amount of smoke going into the atmosphere and the flames that lept into the skyline of San Juan like something out of some odd movie, and nothing real.

In Puerto Rico I have sat amongst locals and had the pleasure of eating some of the most amazing food I've ever had...with fresh spices and passed down recipes. I've lounged in a cafe for a light dinner of the best bean soup I've ever tasted and begged for more when I cleaned my bowl, all the while sipping on the best espresso I've ever had the honor of tasting. Each eatery, each roadside stand, each server and cook have their own stories and the food as well as the people tell the story in each native dish as you, the patron, savor it.

Ive also seen a darker side...where some will take advantage of those who dont know any better for God knows' what reasonis...

Ive never seen a gun up close and personal until now, and I could have been fine without that knowledge.

but even with the negative...Puerto Rico was beautiful, but I dont like its newer urban center in San Juan...give me castles, coasts, and rain forests anyday.

Stressed

I know I don't really post much on this blog, I guess it is because I have facebook and twitter and a score of other outlets to let everyone know how I feel, but I think those get too cluttered at times and I have too many friends. I don't live confrontation at all. I freeze up, I get upset, it is just hard for me to deal with people when they are being aggressive and I don't know why...especially when I can be quite aggressive myself.

Tonight I spoke up for something that was bothering me and not only did I get smacked down for it, but I felt like I was left hanging. I really had my feelings hurt and it was painful. I vocalized a problem of multiple people, but because my vocalization was not what people wanted to hear...everything just resorted to stressful banter that had nothing to do with the issue at hand and all to do with flared tempers.

I think the most upsetting part of the whole ordeal was feeling alone. I had one of my closest friends "on my side" and yet they said nothing and it hurt my feelings a lot.

I dont know how i feel about that, besides slightly abandoned.

Too many blogs

I may start using this blog more just because everyone and their mother doesn't know it is here...

Facebook has become overcrowded and sadly I feel like I cannot vent as well when everyone I know is reading.

I had a really bad nightmare last night, its the second time I have had it...and I guess it stems from a fear of someone breaking in the house, I dont know but it kept me up until 4 AM. I have a cold and I am pretty sore due to the cold and perhaps the weather change. I don't know but I haven't been as sore as of late and today all of that is just compounding.

I made an 87 on my Japanese history exam,which is not what I wanted to see. I wanted to see an A and I did not get one, which made me sad.

There is a poetry contest at MSC this year, I am going to enter.

I forgot I even had this thing...

....

School is kicking my ass...
I am tired...
I want an easy life for like 5 minutes.

Tea Party Bullshit

While I understand a person's right to protest the government...
have some real basis when you do it...

The insanity of these tea parties....the fact that people are so uninformed and have no real knowledge of history, the actual tax situation or the budget and then go out and act like looneys....
scares me

This was from a window in St. Augustine, a very old church.

Update

I have been sick. Which makes Shonda a very sad girl indeed. I might start using this to post some of my photography.

Thoughts

When I do not want to write poetry, I am forced to write the truth.
I have had quite possibly the worst two weeks of the year, and it is only March. I totally botched my vacation by being sick and while I did enjoy myself, I am still sick and have no energy to do anything. Ive lost interest in school and work and I am exhausted. I feel like I need a break, but I do not have the time for one.
Adam's grandmother died and that was, awful. She was a wonderfully sweet woman and Adam and his family was hard.
I wanted to crawl in a hole lately...and I still do.

Time Off

I was on vacation for a week and ventured to Florida with my husband first to see his family and then to St. Augustine to bask in old things. Unfortunately I got sick while in ValP and while I did not ruin my St. Augustine getaway, I felt awful for the duration.
Im now home with bronchitis and I want nothing more than to sleep, but responsibility is a cruel mistress and I am already writing a paper and forcing myself to go back to school tomorrow...oh happy dagger...where are you?

I should have some writing up soon. The poems I had published in the Fall Line Review maybe.

Let It Snow and other Annoyances...

The snow was beautiful to be honest, as it lightly fell to the ground in sheets of dotted ivory perfection...but I was at work, behind the glass of a retail store where I was growing more and more frustrated by the hour.
In a time where we should be thankful for our employment, I am completely disgruntled. I have given the corporation I work for almost 9 good years, I have dedicated myself, worked hard, given it my all, and done my best to do well for the company and it has only taken less than a year for one person to almost ruin all that for me.
I do not think people really understand how horrible retail is until they have worked in retail for an extended period of time, it is the most thankless and degrading job at times, where you are constantly dogged, there is no merit based improvement, and you fear constantly that the crap position you do have...you will lose.
So I make less than I have in years, I feel thankless in my work, I drudge through the day taking crap from someone out of fear that I might lose the job I have if I anger them and end up miserable.
It doesnt help that I am ill and that my dependence on the insurance and the job enables this one person to literally suck all the enjoyment out of work all together...
There is a way to make a place succeed and have the employees of that place not loathe being there...
My store never felt this way...
I miss it.

The Fate of Bad Decisions

Stumbling down an empty hallway and breathing heavier with each step. What is there to do? I could collapse and let the weight of it all bury me. That would be easier.
Taking the simple path feels right. I can close my eyes and ignore the chaos and destruction. What struggle is there anyway? I made my bed, I lay in it and dwell on problems
as if they were thrown to me and not my own creation. In the center of the chasm of jagged cliffs and slippery falls, I stand unwavering because the chasm is of my own design.
I choose not to climb up the sides that can be navigated and I choose to beat myself up against the rocks. So much I have chosen and accepted. I cannot open the door at the end.
I know what is on the other side and it frightens me more than I have the words to describe.


And in the Corner...

And in the corner
where the shadows cut lines
into bleached walls
and hide tiny secrets and flaws
I stand
clinging to the shaded area
wishing to be unseen
unheard of
there are too many things
I want to say but cant
Thoughts get tucked away
in the creases of the corner
where they are safe to breathe
Leave the safety net
and nothing is sacred
or warm
I regret the chill in the air
this place leaves no room
for the light
While the shadows hide so much
they expose even more
downcast eyes
unable to face the room


A Crutch...

A crutch
holding up the broken leg
blotches of glue
keeping together the peices
shattered by time
riddled with interruption and happenstance
Nothing is as it should be
and everything is chaos
broken
No...
chipped
bruised
imperfect
in so many ways
too many to place
or mention
thoughts are stifling at best
and the rest is static.

Poetry

I am slowly going to upload my poetry here from my other journals to consolidate them, this means we may have some very old and unpolished stuff going up but I want it all in one place.

Thanks
Shonda

First Two Poems

Bum With a Blanket

Leopard throw
Matted with lice and fleas
Dirt and grime
Your face contorts
As the wind blows against it
Hair that is matted
Shoes of a seventeen year old
Only one hole
Could last for months
In this life
A few more quarters
One from the woman
In the patent leather shoes
With heels
Higher than hopes
More expensive than
A month
That one looks angry
Faced with despair
On a nice night
How dare…


As She Sleeps

A limp body
Pale flesh draped across
Folds of dark fabric
Littered with strands
Like artificial auburn
No electricity
No force pulling
Sheer exhaustion
Against the canvas
Fingers and toes
Dead to the touch
Reminiscent of winter frosts
Shallow breath
Labored in faux rest
Tormented as if she were
The lost banshee
Of some time forgotten place
Glittering with supernatural dews
And foreboding fogs
Yet she sleeps
Scant signs of distress
Throughout
Warm hands brush along the wax
As it hardens

Poetry

Now I will start adding the poetry

Education and Escapes

My educational process is overwhelming at times. It is not that I procrastinate on some large level, it is just I am busy with work and life as well and school at times can be overbearing.
It is hard to remember that I want to do other things and take some time for myself. I feel so selfish when I stop doing school work to do something I may enjoy.
I am tired, a bit worn out, and hoping that I get a break soon.

I need sleep I guess, I am overwhelmingly tired.

Stress

I am a ball of stress from time to time. With the pressure of school and attempting to complete college with a good GPA and a reputable name is hard enough but I also have a job and a husband and some sort of tiny social life that I attempt to keep up with...btw that pesky disease that drives me bonkers.
Right now I have a ton of papers to write, extra papers to write on top of that and my brain is hurting. I am reading more books on Stuart politics than I would ever think imaginable and I have more to do before I go to bed and wake up at 6 am so I can go work at a thankless job with no merit and no advancement beyond people being treated like shit...not the company I started working for so long ago, I used to love my job.

Late Nights

I spend most of my nights studying until the early hours of the morning when nothing is awake in the house, in the neighborhood really. I sit in my darkened living room and push my way through book after book detailing the lives and experiences of those long dead and forgotten by most. I know that not everyone enjoys reading about dead people...their lives...their governments...their revolutions, but to me the past is a shaded window into the present, and usually the problems therein.
I am exhausted, a long week that will end with a longer one dealing with work and stress and work. Oh if I were independently wealthy.
Anyway, I have a book to read on the Stuart Monarchy before bed.

Construction

So as I muse as to what this blog will entail fully, I have added some blogs and hopefully spruced up some things. I may begin posting poetry here as I am really done with the livejournal format.

I am having a complete child moment. When Adam and I lived the hellhole that was the house in Byron I had two American Girl dolls. They were pretty little dolls, I had recieved as freebies from my time as an illustrious bookstore manager and sadly when we were moving, they got left behind and either the new owners took the dolls or trashed them.
I found out today that American Girl retired one of my dolls, Samantha who was a historical doll from the victorian era...argg I loved that doll.
I cant get one now, damnit.

Back

I have returned from the windy city with perspective and joy that i'm back in my own house with my own things surrounded by the familiar. I loved the city of Chicago and laughed quietly during a moment on the ride back from the Atlanta Airport. A man was with us who used to live in Chicago and said what most people do to people who were enamoured with a city after one visit...
"Its great to visit, I hated living there..."
I wonder if that would be the same for me because I will admit, I was enthralled by the vast variety of things to do, the quaint little restaurants on each corner, the giant buildings towering over me with age and wisdom beat into the stone and the vast creation that was Lake Michigan.
I wonder if I would hate it, the noise, the business, the museums, the culture...
I wonder if I would miss this if everything I loved about here was implanted in a place like that.
I dont think so.

Chicago Thoughts

I sit in Chicago on this Valentine's Day with the sounds of the L train fading in and out at regular intervals while I type. There is a film of snow if that on the ground...well on the lower roof of a building that is nestled snugly between two towers one in wnich I am staying, the other directly across and easy to see. I see the film on the small graveled roof and marvel at it, I dont really know snow...a few glimpses perhaps over the years, but I am not close to it, I don't understand it and even though the small bit of snow barely coveres the stones on the dirty urban roof, there is a natural beauty to it that meshes a world of trees and vegetation to this world of steel and concrete I am surrounded by at the moment.
I am in a bed, my hotel room...probably laying in later than I should shooting Ims to my husband as we are not together on this created day for lovers and while I may find the entire holiday alltogether silly, I still ache a bit because he is not here, I still wish I were beside him to at least make snide comments about the holiday of wasted too big ballons and ugly stuffed animals.